segunda-feira, 12 de setembro de 2016

A hidden letter to a person (Herman Hesse II)

I already told you why I speak the language of science: because it's my heart's.
I don't know what you have done to me, or what I have done to myself, since the first time I saw you. I don't know why I use so many "I"s, neither do I know why I use to write long texts like these one.
This time I don't want to explain, because this very time I know I'm writing for no one. Nobody will read this. You will never read this.
But I already faced the truth so long ago: I am problematic.

I fell in love easily...

Well, almost easily. I fell for you right at that night when I saw your smile. It's craved in my head and I can't (or don't want to) take it off.

I love you!

With all my very self!

But so what?
I once did want you to have patience with me and all my sickness within, but I have changed. I learned with you when we were closer and I learned even more when we parted ways for the first time.

I am a good person.

I always try harder than I can to do my best. And I always fail. But I don't ever give up, even when the world tells me to.

God, I wanted so much to be with you!
You are my everything, man! I love you so much I believe I'll never love someone like this again. First, because I may have not enough left time on this Earth to find someone so beautiful in all possible and impossible ways like you are. Second, because I don't want to.

If you could just care a little bit, if you could just think about giving me another chance, if we could only abandon this universe together and create another one for ourselves where there'd be only happiness for both of us...

I don't know what I am saying.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I only know that I love you.
I love you like I never ever loved someone before and I'll never will again.
I can't let you go.

And this thing is almost as pathetic as a stupid love song that gets stuck in people's head every day. But it's all I can think and write right now. Because I'm loving you so much that the most reasonable part of me is gone.

 I do understand none of this is my choice. I do understand I that there's also "you" in "we". I do understand that the same way I love you and never will love someone like this again, you don't love me and never will love me the way I love you. 

I know I was late and probably messed up everything and any chance we could have to build our own world. 

I am a mess.
A rustic, complex mess.
But I have to admit that I belong to human kind.

And, unfortunately, the human brain has developed mechanisms of hope along the last hundreds of thousands of years. And as a little mortal human like most of all other humans, I have to have hope.

Hope that you'll read this.

Hope that you'll reach out to me again.

Hope that you'll love me too.








2 comentários:

  1. Bem... a pessoa pode n ter lido, mas eu li! Já teve pelo menos um leitor! �� só q aí, dps de ler, ficou uma pergunta na minha cabeça: a pessoa em questão sabe disso tudo? Sabe como vc se sente e coisa e tal? Se n quiser responder, n tem problema nenhum, mas, se vc n tiver falado nd disso pra pessoa, conta pra ela! Desculpa n comentar em inglês e deixar seu blog feinho, mas ô preguiça de escrever em outras línguas que eu tenho!

    1. We had a fight. He blocked me. This is the only way I feel safe to share my feelings and hope it reaches him. I published this link in other places as well. It's complicated... Like I said: I'm a mess. :)